Teens Need to be Included in Family Time

Research in child development has long documented the importance of peer relationships to pre-teens and teens. It is their nature to want to be with their friends, but that does not mean they should be excluded from spending time with the family.

Let me share some tips about guiding young people through the teen years. These come from the Search Institute, a non-profit research firm, who has surveyed over 100,000 young people across the country. Their findings support the following:

• Set limits on how often kids can go out with their friends during the week. Have a family meeting to determine what seems reasonable and fair, starting with a basic guideline of four nights at home a week.
• Be firm about four nights at home, but not inflexible. Encourage your children to get involved in creative activities, youth programs and service to others. Make a distinction between having "something specific to do" and "nothing special to do."
• Monitor where your children go and who they're with, even when they are teenagers.
• Limit the number of nights per week students can be involved in school or community activities.
• Allow your children to invite friends over on some of their "at home" nights.
• If your teenager has a part-time job, limit it to 15 hours a week or less during the school year. Studies have shown teenagers who work more than 15 hours a week have more problems than those who work fewer hours.
• Limit the amount of time your children spend at home alone. Plan to be home with them as much as you can. Sit down to dinner together. Be available to just talk or to help them with homework.
• Limit the number of activities and meetings adults are expected to participate in so they can spend more time at home with their children.

Following these tips may be a real change for your family. You may meet with resistance from your teenagers.

So how do you meet the challenge? Simply talk to your kids and tell them you believe spending time together is important and, as a family, you are going to make some changes to accomplish this goal. Be willing to listen to your kids' ideas and suggestions, but in the end remember you are the parent.

Above all, building on the six characteristics of strong families: appreciation and affection, commitment, positive communication, enjoyable time together, spiritual well-being, and successful management of stress and crisis should help create an atmosphere where all families will want to come home and stay.