Adolescents often believe their grief is unique and incomprehensible to anyone else. Some may find themselves reacting in a new or unusual way, which frightens them, causing them to think their reactions are abnormal.
Others may limit their expressions of grief to brief outbursts because they are very concerned about how they are perceived by others and they worry about losing emotional control. Caring adults can reassure adolescents that grief is a unique experience for everyone and what they are going through is normal.
Encourage survivors to maintain an attachment to the deceased. Some of the ways to preserve the bond include: visiting the cemetery, praying or talking about the deceased and/or saving possessions the deceased valued. Adults can affirm the value of these behaviors and help adolescents place their relationship with the deceased in a new perspective.
Adults may suggest creative ways to talk about the loss, to remember the deceased, to encourage expression of grief and to achieve a sense of closure. Suggestions include: creating a memory book, collecting letters written by or to the teen, displaying a memorial plaque, or planting a memorial tree in the teen’s name. Involvement in activities such as these provide healing for the adolescents, as well as the family.
Not surprisingly, most adolescents want to discuss their feeling of grief with an understanding peer. Adolescents rely on peers for emotional support (being there, listening reminiscing, etc.) and for clues in how to respond to each other.
In order to support the bereaved, adults can talk with the teens and stress the fact their friends need their help and they would likely appreciate talking about their feelings. Adults can let peers know that retelling the story often helps the bereaved to begin to make sense out of what has happened to them. Because such conversations are often painful for the bereaved, one should only initiate them if they are able to deal with the teenager’s reaction.
It is also important for adults to be familiar with the deceased’s background. Then, they can help teach proper funeral home and family visitation etiquette as well as culturally appropriate practices.
It is helpful to the family and to the students if a few school personnel are present at family visitations and funerals. Teenagers often attend these services without parental support and may need the support of a familiar adult. Adolescents also appreciate tangible support from adults such as cards, transportation, funeral home visits, etc.
Researchers have learned the bereaved are offended and hurt by some supportive attempts. Behaviors considered unhelpful include: saying, “I know how you feel;” encouraging a speedy recovery; giving advise; minimizing the loss; forcing cheerfulness and intentionally avoiding the use of the deceased’s name. Failing to acknowledge the death occurred can be offensive and hurtful.
